Sunday, August 9, 2009

The "New" Normal...

I haven't written in a while. I finished all of my treatments for breast cancer exactly one month ago today. 3 surgeries, four months of dose dense chemotherapy and 7 1/2 weeks of daily radiation. I have been pricked, poked, fed multitudes of pills, had poison shot through my body and wreak havoc on my system, been fried daily by laser radiation through layers of skin until it hurt and peeled...oh, there's too much more to even mention. But I am here and supposedly cancer free. I believe it? I guess so.

The morning of my last radiation treatment and I got into the car with Evan to drop the twins first at Ecole, and I started weeping. I cried and couldn't stop. I had no words. I cried through the treatment and cried when Dr Dzuik gave my my "award": a plaque that reads "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." - John Wayne. He died of cancer.

So, the "new" normal is here. People ask how I am doing. I feel fine, although I tend to push myself too much and I exhaust easily. They say my hair regrowth looks great and that the short hair is flattering, I say: only if it's one's own choice. So, I go forward, move on - most days without worry, without fear. But sometimes, it's there...


Karla said...

Oh honey. I've seen that sometimes the after can be as hard as the 'during'. When I go through a phase and think "Oh just let me get through this", and then I do, and then after there is let down, and no big feeling of closure, just more chaotic life, it can bring you down. Not to mention you have been through a WAR, a true WAR, only it's against yourself and you are the enemy AND the victim....that's really hard. The fear will be there, but there is also hope and love, all of us here still and always rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you. and I love the quote. how is your mom and sister?

and I think I understand the new normal.

I am sure you are rocking the short hair, even if not by choice.